Nigel’s ‘chiselled cheekbones’ make the news – Reform’s the Reformer, digested by John Crace

THE REFORMER

Welcome to your new super, soaraway Reformer. The paper that aims to take you back to the ۱۹۵۰s with all the stories that the mainstream media don’t want you to read. Free to all patriots. And those who happen to have found a copy on the floor of the bus.

A message from the editor, Nigel Farage

We are living in dangerous times. The chances of finding an immigrant ahead of you in the supermarket checkout queue have never been higher. Now more than ever you need a newspaper you can trust. One that isn’t afraid to tell you the truth about Broken Britain, and where you can find a grievance on every page. So let me introduce you to the Reformer team. There’s me, Nigel. I’m the editor-in-chief. And then there are seven or eight other nobodies whose names escape me. Here is my promise to you. If you are not fully satisfied with the Reformer in the first ۱۰۰ days then I will sack all the people I have already forgotten.

FARMING IN CRISIS

by Nigel Farage, agriculture editor

A sensational report that has been hushed up by establishment figures linked to the European Union reveals that migrants are responsible for the failure of this summer’s harvest. The report, which has been leaked to the Reformer by a source who wishes to go by the name of Nigel, reveals that officials have tried to blame the crop failure on climate change. “It’s a total scandal,” said Nigel. “What’s been going on is that immigrants have been bringing their hot weather over to the UK with them in small boats. Global warming is a hoax perpetuated by leftwing politicians who want to encourage unlimited illegal immigration. But there’s no denying the facts. Back in the days when you seldom saw a black or brown face, British summers were much cooler. It’s time for everyone to start telling the truth.”

FOREIGNERS INCREASE THE WELFARE BILL

by Nigel Farage, home affairs editor

In one of the country’s biggest surveys of two families, the Reformer can exclusively report that white people much prefer to live next to white people. The families in question say their lives are being made a misery by having a man called Zia Yusuf as their next door neighbour. “It’s got nothing to do with Zia being a brown Muslim,” said Trevor Bloke. “I don’t care what colour or religion he is. What’s intolerable is that he is a deeply unpleasant person who goes out of his way to be rude to everyone. He thinks he owns the whole street. We all just wish he would leave. It’s doing my head in. I’m now on maximum Pip payments for my anxiety and I can no longer work.”

HOW TO SPOT A NIGERIAN SCAMMER

by Nigel Farage, consumer affairs editor

We’ve all had it. An email from someone who is clearly black. A telephone call from someone who is also clearly black. You know they are black because deep down, every black person wants to try to scam your bank account. Not a nice feeling when you’ve just been transferred £۵m as a gift from a Thai-based billionaire. It’s the new something-for-nothing society. Say what you like about Oswald Mosley, but he would never have tolerated such behaviour. Now we just accept that immigrants are trying to take over our country. What is the easiest way to spot a Nigerian scammer? Just go to the House of Commons. There you will find the criminal mastermind. A woman called Kemi. She claims to be the leader of the opposition, but all she really wants are your credit card details.

INTERVIEW OF THE MONTH: NIGEL FARAGE

Our features editor, Nigel Farage, interviews Nigel Farage. With additional reporting by Nigel Farage

It’s late afternoon in autumn. The sun streams through the window, its rays dancing off Nigel’s chiselled cheekbones. Nigel is at his most relaxed, mainly because he has just sent his valet, Richard Tice, to the off-licence for a third bottle of champagne. He smiles kindly at me. Reform are well ahead in the polls in third place and he is busy putting the finishing touches to his first speech as prime minister. “Tell me, Nigel,” I say. “Why is it that God has sent you down into the world to save Great Britain from all the illegal immigrants? Please can you also talk me through your magnificent byelection victory against a comedian with a bin on his head?”

Continues for another ۱,۵۰۰ words …

HARRY’S GOLDEN BOOTS

by Nigel Farage, football editor

In a stunning triumph for Brexit Britain, England’s Harry Kane has seen off countless other black and foreign footballers to be crowned the world’s best footballer in a glittering Ballon d’Or ceremony in London. Speaking exclusively to Reform, Kane’s best friend, Nigel Farage, said: “It’s about time a white Englishman won this. Harry would never have been able to do this if we hadn’t left the European Union. Just think what might have happened if footballers had freedom of movement. Harry might have ended up playing for some deadbeat team like Bayern Munich. Then he would have remained an unknown. So, really, Harry owes it all to me.”

THE READERS’ CHAMPION

by Nigel Farage, agony uncle

Dear Nigel, I recently got married and it should have been the happiest day of my life. Instead it became the worst. First, discovered that the man who had promised me he was rich enough to be worth divorcing my first husband for had only bought premium economy seats for our honeymoon in the US. Then I discovered that British Airways – a disgrace of a national carrier – had deliberately delayed the departure of our plane to maximise our inconvenience and then lost an item of luggage. My husband, Thicky Dicky, as I affectionately call him, yelled: “Don’t you know who I am?” and the person on the desk said: “We know exactly who you are.” Please help us seek redress. Yours, Isabel Oakeshott, Dubai

Dear Isabel, I am sorry to hear your distressing story. Please send me £۸۰ and I will do a Cameo video calling for every foreign-looking baggage handler at Heathrow to be sacked. PS: BA is now owned by a private Spanish company.

RACIST OF THE MONTH

by Nigel Farage, competitions’ editor

Call ۰۸۰۰ ۰۰۱ for Tommy Robinson who has recently been found guilty of harassing journalists in a massive miscarriage of justice.

Call ۰۸۰۰ ۰۰۲ for cheeky chappy Raheem Kassam, who asked the Guardian to correct a sketch that said he had deleted a racist tweet.

Calls will cost £۵ plus normal charges. Winners will receive something worthless in bitcoin.

BOOK OF THE MONTH

by Nigel Farage, literary editor

My Struggle, by Nigel Farage.

In which the Reform leader hilariously recounts the ways he made antisemitic remarks in front of Jewish boys at school on his way to becoming the most consequential politician of the last ۲۰۰ years.

‘Almost as good as Liz Truss’s Bank Job’ – the Guardian

POTHOLE OF THE MONTH

by Nigel Farage, transport editor

In the first of an ongoing series, Nigel Farage,discusses his favourite pothole and how he got it filled. “There was this fantastic pothole near my house in Kent,” he said. “We filled it up with loads of dead immigrants and the rubber of small boats the navy had sunk in the Channel.” Doing good with a smile on your face. That’s the Reform way.

TRAVEL NEWS

by Nigel Farage, the Reformer’s eye-in-the-sky

Avoid travelling on the M۶ north of Birmingham. Traffic is at a standstill due to too many foreigners driving on English roads. It’s a nightmare. And I can promise you that I will stop all immigrants driving when I become prime minister.

TV LISTINGS

by Nigel Farage, media editor

۱. Anything from GB News.

۲. ITV: a charming documentary in which almost everyone at Reform HQ is found to be racist.

۳. Channel ۴: a brilliant drama in which Farage and friends pretend they are trying to take illegal donations. With hilarious consequences for everyone.

CRYPTIC CROSSWORD CLUE

compiled by Nigel Farage

Robert Jenrick confused Newark MP (۶ letters, anag. Beginning with W)